It never fails...

At least once per week, partially because I work with teenagers in the area of sexual/emotional/relational brokenness, I will hear an adult say, almost condescendingly so, "I don't know what's going on with these youth today."

Now, while I'm *hardly* youth, for some reason, again, partially because I work with teens, I find myself getting really irritated because being that the Word tells us that we are to *train* a child in the way they should go (Proverbs 27:1), if they're going to pot, why does it seem like parents/teachers/pastors/mentors are not taking *their role* more seriously? Why are *they* not wondering if they did/have done all that they can do for the young people in their spiritual space?

Then, after the last post that I shared about all of the young women that are, um, Sugar Babies, and then reading (and sharing on my "On Fire" blog) a story about a woman's journey from fornication to marital peace and her finding in an article a source she cited stating that Christians are having just as much, if not more, premarital sex and abortions, I thought, "OK. Let me just put the question right on out there..." We're seeing what's going on in our culture because young people (shoot, an older ones too for that matter!) are not understanding the purpose of relationships, sexuality, marriage, etc., but I don't think we explore, nearly enough, WHY this may be the case. Hosea 4:6 tells us that people are destroyed from a lack of *knowledge*; not just because they "feel like showing out". And so, the question for this week is, in looking back at your own upbringing...

"When it came to sex, where did your parents (teachers, pastors, mentors) fail you?"

A good friend can always be there for you.

Is that what porn can turn into?

Before you discount that statement, think about it.

What makes a friend?

In Toy Story there is a song titled “You Got a Friend In Me”, look at the lyrics…

You've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me If you've got troubles, I've got 'em too There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you We stick together and can see it through Cause you've got a friend in me You've got a friend in me Some other folks might be A little bit smarter than I am Bigger and stronger too Maybe But none of them will ever love you The way I do, it's me and you Boy, and as the years go by Our friendship will never die You're gonna see it's our destiny

You could come up with a list for what makes a good friend…

Common Interests – enjoy the same things.

Common background/history – went through stuff in the past together.

Similar interests or values – have the same standards and views on different things.

Equality – You can depend on each other and no one needs any other benefits. You support and encourage one another.

Makes you happy – You enjoy each other’s company.

Is porn a friend to you?

Porn can be there for us.

We get to like what we like about it.

We don’t have to worry about being rejected.

We decide what is normal to look at and what it not.

We enjoy how we feel when we spend time with porn.

It’s a friendship were we get to decide the limitations and not have to deal with consequences, at first.

It’s part of the problem with porn.

Soon it’s not good enough and we have to find new stuff that entertains us.

A true friend makes us a better person.

Does looking at porn make you better?

How do you feel when you are done looking at it?

Guilt, anger, loneliness and depression can take over, because porn isn’t making us better as a person, it’s making us worse.

What is porn to you?

Is it a true friend or is it a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

Porn can hurt more than can lead on.

Maybe it’s time to move on and find a better friend.

Porn is not your destiny and it’s not a friend in you.

Time to move on.

Feel free to take one or more of these questions here and post them in a comment. Lets talk about this and how it makes you feel.

.Sometimes when things get desperate we find that we have only one option but to take matters into our own hands. Okay, I promise that will be the one and only masturbation pun. You know how it is, I had to get it out of my system.

Which ironically is how people usually feel when they masturbate. That they have to get it out of their system. I know how that feels. I'm sure lots of you know what I'm talking about also.

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar. Tension, boredom, stress, just can't help yourself, lust…You can add your own, but these are just some of the feelings that lead a person to masturbate. But this blog isn't about how you get there, it's about what happens after you arrive.

And what it teaches us later.

Because ultimately as much as masturbation may meet some sort of unmet sexual need or keep an urge at bay, it is very rarely a one off event. I'm not too sure if there are many people who have only masturbated once. The reason being that it feels good. Sometimes even great. For a few seconds it feels exciting and it releases endorphins which are addictive and powerful and then cause us to want to repeat the experience.

And is there really anything wrong with that? Isn't it a healthy past time of those of  us who are comfortable with exploring their sexuality and simply want to experience a normal human sensation? Isn't masturbation a good thing?

Perhaps. But maybe the issue isn't the action itself. After all, the Bible doesn't mention it. We're just left to ponder certain apparently relevant passages. But if masturbation itself is not the issue, then what is?

Maybe it is in the ways that it encourages us to bring sexual pleasure ourselves, even though we are really just short changing ourselves. When as teenagers, we start to teach ourselves at an early age what we like sexually. That really we are the only ones who can sexually please ourselves. So that once we get married our wives or husbands, through no fault of their own, are just unable to compete with our own minds. We've built up years of rewiring that it's just easier to do it ourselves. As the old saying goes, “If you want something done right...”

But through this we are missing out. Maybe masturbation is amazing for you. But that's just the point. That it is nowhere near how amazing sex should be. With someone else. Not on your own. And if we train ourselves to be pleased sexually alone, we won't enjoy it anywhere near as much as we should when we get to have sex for real.

Or maybe it is in how eventually we need something more to satisfy ourselves. Maybe you first masturbated with images in your head. Then it moved onto viewing a few pics online. But sooner or later that got boring and you needed videos and more extreme stimuli. Because the cravings became stronger and more intense and even if we started masturbating with nothing in particular in mind (yeah right!),eventually something will pop in. We are made that way. We are sexual creatures.

So porn enters the frame and then we end up further engrossed in ourselves, and because sex is so powerful, that carries through into our lives. In how we are nervous around girls or boys, in how we were once confident but have developed a self consciousness that sometimes we can hide, but can never really shake. In how we can't feel God anymore. Or in how we can't see a solution. In how we have become so caught up in our own tunnel that it is literally impossible to see light at the end. To see a world outside the one we have created in our mind.

Which brings us full circle. Because really what masturbation teaches us has everything to do with why we keep going back to it. Even when we masturbate while looking at porn, and even though we swear to never look again and “seriously this time”. And even though we feel horrible, ashamed and angry, we know deep down we will be back.

Which is why the biggest lesson that masturbation teaches us is that we will never be satisfied.

Not at least until we look in the right places. Not until we allow people into our lives to help and encourage us. Not until we ask why do I keep feeling the need to feel good sexually. Not until we see that God has something a heck of a lot more enjoyable for you.

And certainly not until we pull up our trousers.

Yeah. Well...

It's been interesting. The two *extremely different* things that have been sent to be over the course of just a few days.

First up: OK, I honestly don't know where I've been that I wasn't aware of the whole "Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby" website, but when someone sent me the Huffington Post article/update on it last month (re: the colleges with the largest amount of "sugar babies" on campus), I must admit that the first thing that came to my mind was, "Boy, I bet a lot of people's mamas were calling them after reading *that*!" and two, "OK, that's just another way of saying 'pimp' and 'prostitute', right?"

RIGHT?!?

And then I went to the site and saw that the (eh hem) Sugar Daddy was explained this way: "You are always respectful and generous." A man who buys women's time is always *respectful*? Of what? And to whom? Not the woman. Not himself. Because if he really esteemed both, he wouldn't be purchasing time or attention or affection. His wallet wouldn't be on the table. His heart would be on his sleeve (relatively-speaking).

And then I went to the Sugar Baby side.

Um...did anyone read about that due who adopted his girlfriend to protect his assets? Hmph. Don't get me started. Can't put forth the effort to propose, but can find the ingenuity to make her his "daughter". A grown woman cool with being "adopted". Hundreds of others cool with being someone's "baby"...with having a sponsor...benefactor...did they really use the word "mentor"?!? I think that's why it seemed so ridiculous when I read how the Sugar Baby's purpose was (ill) defined: "You know you deserve to date someone who will pamper you, empower you, and help you mentally, emotionally and financially." I deserve someone who sees my value as a child of God and a grown woman with dreams and values but no...I'm not looking for a dude to *empower me* and *help me out mentally and emotionally*. And if we're going to *help each other out* financially, why not just get married?

Then there was the other heads up I got. Actually on my "On Fire" blog:

Hi There,I am the producer of the TV show Virgin Diaries and we're looking for couples who are getting married in the next few months, all over the US, to be featured on a possible upcoming episodes. I am currently trying to reach out to couples who are saving their very first kiss for their wedding day. There is compensation and we're looking for couples ASAP.Have you vowed to save your first kiss for the moment you are pronounced husband and wife? Are you engaged to the love of your life and have been saving yourself for your wedding night? If you and/or your fiancé(e) have been waiting to be intimate, and/or share your first kiss and are now counting down the days to your wedding day – we want to hear your extraordinary story!To be part of “Virgin Diaries” please contact: Virgins@virgincastingcall.com OR

Nemesia Ramolete

Casting Coordinator

Nemesia@roadtoawe.com

You know, when I was in college, almost 20 years ago, there were certain football players who would be on the outskirts of campus at random hours of the day and night and you would see them get into luxury cars and limos. And sidebar: women weren't at the steering wheel. Older men were. "Sugar daddies" have been around since the beginning of time. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 tells us, there is *nothing* new under the sun. Yet what really and truly (and truly and really) disturbs me is that if this is how more and more young women (and men) are processing relationships, sex and men (and women), how do they see things like marriage, *intimacy* and their *true* worth and value? A quick buck? There's no such thing and once they graduate, how will they feel when they sit down and watch an episode of the "Virgin Diaries"? When they realize that old adage of why pimps, er Sugar Daddies, *really* come their way: "Prostitutes aren't paid for sex, they are paid to leave." What happens when they see that they are not being *empowered*; they are being *used*. UP. I work with teenage girls; some who have never even been on a formal date and are on their first (if not second or third) child. Indeed, if they're not being *courted*, why would they see the point in going to the *courthouse* for a *marriage license*? MOST. OF. THEM. DON'T.

More and more, I'm seeing how *relentless* the Liar (John 8:44) is and how covenant marriage is becoming an *endangered species*. Personally, I don't believe "sugar" would go down so smoothly if these girls really understood the *extreme pricelessness* of what they had to offer. Something that is so invaluable that only a wedding band and a promise of forever could afford it.

Yet, I don't know if we're getting that message effectively across: both in the Church and out (cause you know some of those girls go to church). Honestly, I don't know if we *ever* were, really. And it breaks my heart. Just as I'm sure, whether now or later, it will break many of their spirits.

A bitter pill to swallow. Knowing that you weren't being rented. I guess there would need to be some "sugar" to make that easier to take.

We've got to do better. Any suggestions?

It’s true. Porn doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t make you more of a man or more of a woman. Some may think that they have the right to do as they please and to view porn and masturbate whenever they feel like it. But if it’s really ok and if it really makes you “more of a person,” why does every addict of it always do it in secret? Plus, the Bible says this:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NKJV: Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your bodyand in your spirit, which are God’s.

Here’s the thing about porn. It doesn’t just take over the mind. It takes over the senses. You begin to lose control. And if you don’t get out of it, your life is headed to dark place. Images stay around in your mind for years.

I can still remember the very first pornographic image I ever saw in relative detail. I was no more than 7 or 8 years old. I found one of my grandfather’s playboy magazines. I had no idea what I was even looking at. But here we are, at least 20 years later, and I can still remember it. And that’s not all-I can remember other images after the addiction took root some 10 years later.

Fast forward to high school. I was going to a private school at the time. Did you catch that part? PRIVATE school. Don’t think this stuff is isolated to just the secular world. This was a Christian private school. We had just gotten internet at our house. Many days, when my mom came to pick me up from school, my friend would come with us to our house where his mom would pick him up and take him home.

The computer was in my room. My friend began wanting to look up questionable material. It ranged from soft core porn to voyeur type porn. I hadn’t yet gotten into the hard core. In any case, we got caught. I confessed to my parents that it wasn’t just my friend. I had gone along with it. They promptly installed an internet filter and grounded us from the computer for a couple of weeks.

That was the end of it for a few years. But then it became a full on addiction in college. And here’s the kicker. I was a theology major. Yes, you read that right. I wanted to serve God in ministry. I don’t remember exactly what set it off. Maybe it was the fact that a friend of mine was going through a struggle with porn (different friend) and that made me curious. Again.

I began surfing porn in my dorm room, as well as at my parents house. Except by this point, I knew how to cover my tracks. And I began viewing more than pictures and the aforementioned categories. I went for the hard core pictures and videos. Thank the Lord I never got into the kind that could get someone arrested. But that doesn’t make the sin any less major.

I met my first girlfriend in 2004. We began dating in May of 2005 and by that fall, after not seeing each other because of summer jobs, we began exploring physical pleasure. After things got out of hand one night, virginity still intact though at this point, I confessed to her my struggle. Somewhere around this point I had discovered x3watch and installed it. But I still struggled.

We broke up in April of 2006. I dated a couple of other girls and then started dating the woman who became my wife. I still struggled all the while. I hid the addiction from my wife during out dating phase and into 2 years of our marriage. Again I installed x3watch. I still struggled. It seems, sometimes, no matter how much you may want to quit an addiction, deep down, sometimes you really don’t want to.

But I began to notice something. The more I viewed porn and masturbated, I started wanting physical time with my wife less. I knew I had to stop. But I lacked something important. As much as it pains me to admit it, especially having graduated with a B.A. in Theology, I wasn’t as close to God as people may have thought. In fact, there were long stretches where God and I barely talked.

Last year, though, in 2011, I rediscovered God. I began seeking Him again. And through the blood of Jesus, I began to have victory over this addiction and sin. And trust me, I’m still tempted. Images pop up in the memory from time to time. But this is when I have to remember 1 Corinthians 10:13:

“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

My wife was a great support. Yes she was upset when I messed up. But can you blame her? But she’s never given up on me. She encouraged me in the struggle to overcome and she still encourages me today. Temptations still come. But God has promised me what you see in the paragraph just above. And He gave me an awesome wife that won’t give up on me, just like God won’t give up on me or you.

See, men? Porn doesn’t make us stronger. It doesn’t make us more of a man. It makes us weaker. It makes us forsake our duties as husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles, etc.. It has to be overcome. Until you ask Jesus for His help, you will never have success in battling this addiction. Take the hand of Jesus. You won’t regret it. It will take time to overcome an addiction as gripping as this. But I promise, it will be worth it, and you will be stronger in Jesus. It’s never too late.

I leave you with one more Scripture.

Philippians 4:13 NKJV:  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.

X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.

X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.

Did we tell you it has been 10 years? Start a 10 year fundraising page and join us in in June in San Diego. I wrote a few weeks about about IMPACT, Shellie writes today about controversy. Enjoy.

The Amplified Version of Proverbs 16:33 speaks to the fact that while we may cast our lot, even things that seem like accidents are of the Lord. It wasn’t until our new website launched last fall that I noticed one of those “holy coincidences”: that in January, five years ago, I decided to embark upon the journey of sexual abstinence and less than a month later, Craig and I discussed doing what was then called the “Butterflies” blog on the site for women struggling with sexual sin.

And while I have been honored to share the platform and be able to meet and counsel many over the years, the verse in James 5:16 still holds true: that there is *healing* in confession---both on the giving and receiving end. I Timothy 4:14-16 (AMP) is a winner as well because there is a line in it that says that in paying attention to our testimony *and personality*, we can save us and those who hear us. I know this, on so many levels, to be true.

In these five years, serving alongside so many others, there have been many light bulb moments while pulling back the many, *many* layers of porn and sexual addiction. Like most things in this life, it’s not as black-and-white or cut-and-dried as many may like to think. Porn is complicated. Sex is complicated. Lust is complicated. And the many emotions, challenges and levels of healing and self-discovery are also…complicated. 

Especially, I personally believe, when it comes to women who are in the struggle. 

All of our faces may be different, but something that I have come to realize (and accept) is that whether she’s in front of or behind the camera, whether she’s the “actress” or the one viewing her, if you take just a moment (or two or ten) to get to know the woman *beyond the porn*, there tends to be some general commonalities: fear, brokenness, self-esteem battles, unanswered questions about sexuality and the purpose of it, guilt, remorse and…a desire for better. A better life. A better self. Outside of what illicit sex masquerades. Because, indeed, would we be so easily seduced by something that causes so much inner turmoil, conflict and questions if somewhere there wasn’t a void? That needs to be filled.

And that is what I think is so beautiful about this ministry. We don’t claim to have all of the answers; just the heart to want to help. In any way that we can. Which is a good thing because when you read about Christ’s journey while on this earth, what he did, most consistently, was healed. *Christianity is about healing*. I love how it says in Isaiah 61, this commission: “He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted… To proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.” Sin binds us. And breaks us. John 8:32 tells us that it’s truth that makes us free.

Porn and sexual addiction are a startling epidemic. It won’t change overnight. But as long as there are those who are willing to provide truth---godly truth, with the hope for healing and freedom are not lost. Romans 5:5 tells us that hope does not disappoint. I think that’s what has kept Craig and the crew going…10 years. And prayerfully, for many more to come. 

Hoping for healing with the help of truth.

Yes, even about controversial issues. Like porn.

©Shellie R. Warren/2011

Sometimes I feel attacked like I’m a victim or a hostage in a war within myself. Part of me wants evil and part of me wants what God desires. Then I remember, there is a huge war going on for my soul, for my purity, for my heart that is taking place within myself yet it is so much bigger than myself. Huh, explains why I feel that way.

That seems logical, but do you really ever think about that? There is a war fought within your body for your soul. I don’t mean to talk about spiritual warfare because I’ve found more often than not “each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their OWN evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:14-15 NIV).

I would so much rather blame my temptations and shortcomings on demonic spiritual attacks because that keeps me from having to come to grips with own my depravity. If that were the case I could say things like, “The devil is tempting me, I don’t desire those evil things. I’m a pretty good guy.”

But my fleshly desires are evil, and they love what is evil. Time and time again I see Christians try to purify their flesh or tell themselves their flesh doesn’t like evil things. I can tell myself whatever I want, but I still think naked girls are attractive, and sex with multiple partners outside of marriage sounds pretty fun. I’m a terrible guy, right? RIGHT! Exactly right. My flesh is evil. Lying to yourself telling yourself you don’t want to look at porn, or masturbate, or experiment sexually, can only get you so far before the true desires of your flesh come out.

What then? Live by the Spirit! “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16 ESV).  That’s way easier said than done. We have to come to grips with our own depravity, admit our sinful desires, and ask God to give us his Spirit of power and love and self-control. We have to live outside of our flesh in the Spirit. We don’t have to rise up to beat temptations of this world, we have to go low and live in abandonment of ourselves to experience the freedom God intends for us.

For a practical example of this, I was watching my Dallas Cowboys lose another football game last Sunday. That’s pretty innocent, right? Just watching football. However, the scantily clad Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleaders took up their fair share of airtime causing my eyes to stumble. I got so mad! I’m just trying to enjoy the game and then BAM! I get sideswiped with lustful thoughts. I went from hoping Romo would come up clutch in the 4th to fantasizing about cheerleaders in about three seconds. Honestly, I was mad at the world, at the cheerleaders, at the TV network, at the devil; I was mad at anything and anyone but myself. But wait? My lustful eyes caused me to sin, not the cheerleaders. My evil desires is why I sinned.

There are so many temptations, and so much pressure to live outside of God’s plan for our lives, especially sexually. There is temptation to experiment, to try everything, to live for the moment. Please do not blame the world for this temptation! We can’t control the world; we can only control ourselves. When you play this pity party like you are a victim of the world and evil forces are constantly at work outside of yourself causing you to lust and fall you will be enslaved to your sin. I don’t mean to be harsh, but your flesh is evil. Live in the freedom of the Spirit!

 “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Martin Luther King Jr.

About 6 months into my marriage I woke up late one night to find my husband not in our bed. I got up and walked into our office, only to find him looking at pornography. He tried to hide it but wasn’t quick enough as he didn’t hear me coming. That was the start of our very long and difficult journey. For years after that pornography was always at the root of all our issues. However, the act of viewing pornography was not the biggest struggle. The true issue was always trust. At first I thought he could just stop, if he loved me. Well, it wasn’t that simple and he couldn’t stop so time after time I got hurt by his “problem.” I asked him frequently, have you viewed it? Giving him the accountability I thought he needed from me. His answer was always no. But he lied and lied often. I don’t know why he found it so difficult to come clean with me, especially when I thought I was giving him opportunities to. Then one call changed everything-I was in a meeting at work when he called. I quietly answered my phone to hear my husband sobbing uncontrollably; I couldn’t understand a word of what he was saying. Instantly I started thinking something bad happened to our daughter or him. I finally yelled, SPEAK CLEARLY, what’s going on! He started explaining that he looked at porn again and couldn’t help himself. He sobbed, “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.” He was broken and needed help. I think that rock bottom feeling was our changing point.

            We made an appointment our pastor, sought outside help and enlisted every safe guard possible inside our home.  Every time my husband took a step back, he took two steps forward. The most important thing was he kept moving forward. He had a self-determination about him that guided his path. My role as his supporter has always been to cheer him on in all his successes and not judge or be critical in his weak moments. We communicate often about our feelings and continue to keep our home protected, including phones, computers and even our television. Coming clean is difficult no matter what your situation is. The most important thing is taking that first step. Is today the day you take your first step towards a better future?

Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.

X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.

X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.

Sex culture. It’s literally all around me, and I’ve just about had it. Just yesterday, I was at the grocery store shopping for ingredients for my mother’s birthday dinner (which will be scrumptious by the way), and when I got to the line, I had the displeasure of experiencing somewhat of a sexual assault. The culprit: Magazines.

While standing in line, my mind raced for a way out of my predicament. Half naked women, right there for my eyes to ogle. And why shouldn’t I? Everyone else in the line had something to ease the boredom of waiting in line by mentally undressing whichever celebrity they had always fantasized about. But there I was,  no X3 application following me, no one I knew would happen to be in the same line as me and notice my eyes scanning the covers, No accountability, and as it seemed, God wouldn’t mind me looking at HALF naked women, considering I’m no stranger to the delicacies of the human form.

And so I looked at the covers. I ogled the models and the blunt, large font text shouted “SEX” down my eyelids. I was very well entertained until the moment I was rung up by the cashier who I know fairly well, considering the obtuse amounts of carbonated beverages I purchase almost daily. And as it seemed, I hadn’t been caught.

When I got home, I unloaded the groceries and flipped on my computer to do my usual mid-day email/Facebook/Tumblr checks. And there, of course, I happened upon even more sexual advertisement, more sex culture. I averted my eyes from all the porn convention ads and the scantily-clad movie poster chicks. “How can such filth be allowed on the internet?” I thought aloud, “I’m not even on any questionable websites!” And then it occurred to me, and a felt a sharp sinking in my heart. Pornography is not limited to LCD screens or Playboy magazines. Porn is everywhere in today’s culture, especially for the sexually deprived like me where the tiniest bit of visible stomach can set me off. . It’s just too easy to come by, and it’s too hard to ignore.

Sex has become so regular in our culture, that we can even define “levels” of sex. We have categories: hardcore, softcore, free, paid, and now it seems like we even have something to say whether or not sex related media should be visible to any grocery shopper. I can admit right here that I have had more trouble trying to kick “harmless” magazine-style lusting sessions, than porno, masturbation, and cussing combined!

How can I save myself from this guerilla porn-culture? How can I flee? My idea (for myself) is to change the way I view culture, not the culture itself. Simply avoiding the lines that have the magazines, sticking to self checkout, shopping with some company, and flipping magazines over are all things I’ve decided to start doing. And I admit, it can be a bit embarrassing, but the command we have for sexual sin is just to run away. And I completely agree, because I just have no control over how much more naked next month’s ads are going to be compared to the previous month.

 I know I can never fully be free from sin, and that’s why I need God’s grace more than anything. I can never be perfect. Even the hardcore religious people of the early New Testament era were “almost to the Kingdom” by Jesus’ standards. And so I pray forAmerica, and I pray the Lord’s Prayer, asking that He will lead me not towards temptation. I also appeal to all of you adult readers, please pray for this next generation. And for others like me.

On any given weekend, in towns big and small, little girls and boys perform and strike a pose in pursuit of cash prizes, oversized sparkly crowns and big pageant titles.  These pint-sized beauty queens (and kings) spend hours prepping so they can sport fake tans, fake hair, fake teeth, false eyelashes and flashy costumes to be judged on their outfits, beauty and the personality they convey on stage. 

TLC’s hit show, 'Toddlers & Tiaras' follows the stage moms and dads, and their little divas as they get ready for these pageants.  As the show highlights, competition is intense and the price to compete is steep.  Fame-focused parents tend to push the limits to grab attention, titles and headlines, as is the case of mom Susanna Barrett, who has been capitalizing on her five-year-old daughter pageant success with appearances on the hit TLC show, a jewelry line, a Russian television show and now a $30 million libel suit against the parent companies of TMZ, the Huffington Post, London’s Daily Mail, for their allegedly “brazen attempts to sexualize” her little girl.

The lawsuit focuses on a recent appearance her daughter, Isabella, made at a restaurant where she was sitting on a stool with a DJ singing LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” (you can see a previous blog about the song here) in front of a crowd.  The original article claimed that her daughter was singing the song while gyrating in a nightclub. 

In an interview defending the lawsuit, Isabella’s mom claimed that her daughter didn’t even understand the meaning of “sexy” and that singing the “Top-40” song was harmless. Previously, Barrett’s little girl grabbed headlines when she accused another pageant star of stealing her spray tan and dressing like a hooker (Isabella later told cameras that her mom had told her to say that).  In this instance, mom Wendy Dickey let her three-year-old daughter dress up like a hooker, portraying Julia Robert’s character in “Pretty Woman”, and it’s not uncommon to watch the show and see little girls shaking like showgirls on stage.

Regardless of your take on the legitimacy of the lawsuit, is it really harmless to have your five-year-old fist pumping to a crowd while being fed the lyrics to “Sexy and I Know It?”.    Is it a good idea to dress up our daughters like prostitutes or stuff their costumes with fake boobs to get a laugh (as was portrayed on another T&T show)?  The story highlights the tension that many of the 'Toddlers & Tiaras' shows (and similar shows like 'Dance Moms') elicit: how far are we willing to let our kids go for fame?  And how much will we permit or dismiss as “over their heads”?  

When I was first asked to write an opinion piece for this months blog on the topic of sex and porn addiction based on an internet article I was excited. I thought “man this will be easy”. I soon found there has been a lot written about this subject and it was difficult to find one article. I then found an article from www.psychologytoday.com on the dangers of internet porn and internet gaming addictions (take a moment to read it, don’t let the scientific stuff burn your noodle). Both addictions affect the brain in the same way. They both eventually atrophy the brain, ruining a persons ability to properly make decisions, process pleasure, and properly function over time. The article also walks you through what happens with the drug cocaine and the brain.

I must admit as an avid gamer, and former porn user, this article freaks me out a bit. Not because I disagree with it but because it really hits home with me. I totally relate the the hours logged farming gold, building to the next level in a game, or trolling around for that perfect porn vid/pic that gets my blood a flowing. It takes more and more each time to get the same reaction. Where I needed more and more porn to feel “normal” each day, now I am always looking for the next big game, or the newest challenge mode for that game to “get off”. While I no longer open my laptop and enjoy porn all night, I now will load up a game and the next thing I know it is 8am and my kids are begging for breakfast. Anyone else do this?

I have found I have replace one addiction for another and I am convicted. This brings about the cycle of guilt and shame that usually accompanies my porn use. I know God is quick to forgive. 1 John 1:9 tells us “if we confess our sins, He (God) is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all righteousness”. This is my hope verse, if I ask to be forgiven God purifies me. I think of it as a bar of soap that washes away the crud of my sin. That is the Bible verse I cling to when I am wanting to beat myself up with my failures.

Please click the link above and read the article. What resonates with you? Have you traded your porn/sex addiction with something just as empty? Where are you in the process of getting clean?

Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.

X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.

X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.

When I was little, computers were about the size of an average American home’s first floor, and video games existed primarily in arcades.  The world of fantasy, for me, was limited to nighttime stories, a few children’s cartoons and my own imagination.  The only place I would have encountered sexual content might have been through MTV, which was just getting its sea legs, or through discovering a misplaced magazine at a friend’s home. 

Fortunately, for most kids that grew up during my generation (or any previous generation), the fantasy world we encountered was, for the most part, developmentally appropriate.   Our children today, however, are exposed to an immersive world of computer and video games, interactive social realities and other computer-generated content that even adults struggle to identify as “fantasy”.

Many studies have suggested that young kids (up to about age seven) have an extremely difficult time discerning reality from fantasy, notwithstanding clarification from adults.  A study out of the British Journal of Developmental Psychology found, for example, that when 3-5 year olds were asked to distinguish real people and characters, such as sports stars and knights, from fictional characters, such as monsters and dragons, they did so correctly less than 40% of the time.  So when parents allow their kids to be exposed to the fantasy world around them at a young age, you can imagine the impact on their young, developing brains. 

Even more so, when kids are exposed to violent and sexual content at a young age, content that adults will often dismiss as “fantasy”, it can have a very profound effect on children’s understanding of what is and what isn’t “real” and “appropriate” sexual behavior.  As parents, it’s important to recognize that even content that could appear “innocent enough” to us, could create dilemmas for younger minds that are developmentally unable to discern reality from fantasy.  When we tell ourselves that it’s OK for our kids to watch certain movies or shows, or even watch their older siblings play violent video games, because the characters “aren’t real”, we’re doing our kids a disservice and even opening the door to tech-related addictions.  When we allow them to be exposed to content that we claim is “over their heads”, we’re often leaving them with confusing and even damaging content that very much remains in their heads.  We need to set the bar higher and diligently seek to avoid exposing our young kids to potentially damaging, violent, sexual and even fantasy content that could impact their innocence.

I’m no advocate of arranged marriages, but one advantage I can see in someone else – parents, larger family or even a traditional matchmaker – making the decision of who will be your lifelong mate is that less heart than head goes into it, and libido stays completely out it. Second to squandering our sexual purity, I think the biggest mistake most Americans make in selecting a mate is failing to use their brains before they unleash their hearts. I’m also no advocate of formulas and questionnaires to avoid this mistake – let’s not go overboard. Obviously, a short list of qualities we need to “check off” before saying “I do” to even a lunch date includes: has Jesus as Lord, is law-abiding, sane and involved in some age or stage appropriate activity of industry. Beyond that, our past experiences have likely yielded a supplemental list of qualities that are important to us, such as loyalty, integrity and kindness, and then there are our negotiable preferences: likes football, doesn’t wear too much make-up, etc. These are okay, but beyond the checklist, we need to consider other important aspects of compatibility; first by learning some things about ourselves, and then by assessing them in potential mates.Half-full or Half-Empty

Pessimistic Christians? It’s actually an oxymoron, but such creatures exist in abundance. Most people don’t want to admit they are pessimists, but guess what: there are a lot of you out there! There are plenty of online tests for this sort of thing, but most of them are easy to see through. In general, initial reactions to possibilities and hypothetical situations are telling. Do you project or expect the worst? Is there usually some reason why something won’t work or might go wrong? Does he always seem to think everything will turn out alright? Does she express realistic concern but remain hopeful? Figure out your own disposition and then look for a compatible type. Eeyore and Tigger may live peacefully enough together in the Hundred Acre Woods, but trust me, they would not work as a couple.

Another important life outlook is the issue of industry versus entertainment. Of course, life is a mix of industry with entertainment and leisure – as God mandated it. However, some of us are numbering our days more correctly than others. Some are “making the most of every opportunity” (Eph 5:15) and others of us are reading Harry Potter and Twilight. Some are “being careful how we live” and others could care less how we live, as long as we’re in a WiFi zone.

As we mature spiritually (hopefully coinciding with growing old), these things which now seem somewhat insignificant really begin to matter. You may find yourself tied down to a spiritual ball and chain whose love for all things leisure keeps your family from being industrious for the Kingdom.Hit and Miscommunication

Many counselors will tell you that miscommunication is at the root of most divorces, so finding a compatible communicator can go a long way toward a more perfect union. There are many styles of communication – some just wrong, like the yeller/screamer/dish thrower – and others just different, as in the case of passive versus assertive communication. As Americans, we tend to value assertive communication, but in many other cultures, such forthrightness is considered rude.  And yet there are many red, white and blue-blooded Americans who have a passive communication style, but because of the societal preference for assertive communication, they go undeclared. Like pessimism, “passivism” is hard to admit about yourself; and unlike pessimism, it’s not so easy to discern in others, particularly in the first stages of acquaintance when both are usually so accommodating.  

In general, keep eyes open for frequent misunderstandings – even when they aren’t really problematic – or poor assumptions that lead to even the smallest drama. Passive and assertive aren’t the only communication styles at odds. Maybe you are a conceptual communicator and she wallows in minutia. Maybe he is a lopsided communicator who is only listening to you when it might serve a purpose for him, but you cling to every word he says. All of these differences are worth noting and respecting.Who’s on Top?

Traditionally, the answer has been “the man,” but in the last 30 years, things have turned topsy turvy and now, before you even start to date, you need to learn about yourself what position you prefer. Get your mind out of the gutter now because I’m talking about emotional and social needs to lead or follow, dominate or submit, care for or be taken care of, as well as the middle ground – those who seek truly equal partnership.

I was 36-years-old when I met my husband and had by that time finished my education, traveled extensively, bought and sold a house and advanced in career. I was (and still am) an independent woman. I believed I was looking for a true partner – an equal in the adventure of life. Why was it then, that “Alpha Texan” (my husband’s online dating handle) caught my eye? And why did his big broad shoulders, deep voice and imposing presence so impress me? As it turned out, much to my surprise, this modern woman actually yearned inside for a man who could be a spiritual and emotional umbrella. This makes sense to me now as I reflect on my own strong, silent father and the fact that in all of my close relationships, I am the anchor. I am plenty strong, but what I long for in a mate is someone – one single person in this world – to be strong for me.

In this uncharted place in time when our old gender maps are useless for getting our bearings, we need to give special consideration to our own needs and wants – looking beyond what we would like to think is true of ourselves and coming to an understanding of what really is – and then try to do the same with potential mates.  A mismatch in this area can cause confusion in many aspects of the relationship – everything from who should lock the doors at night to, yes, who’s on top.For two persons committed in attitude, word and deed to living God’s will for their lives, these are not make-or-break issues; they can be remedied, though it may require years of self-denial and self-development or even professional counseling. For all other marriages, they can create major problems that lead to divorce. Even if you’re banking on being among the camp of the committed, it’s best to employ those powers of observation with which your Creator endowed you and assess upfront your compatibility on these and other important aspects before you play the heart card with any potential mate.

High-tech multitaskers are all over the place.  Let’s face it, it’s only normal for most of us to be text messaging while watching television, while keeping up with work emails and jumping from website to website.  Most of us think we do a pretty good job of juggling it all, but several studies have shown that people who are regularly bombarded with several streams of electronic information do not pay attention, control their memory or switch from one job to another as well as those who prefer to complete one task at a time. 

Additionally, a study out of Stanford University last week found that tech-focused interactions, even through applications like FaceTime, is not a replacement for real human interaction, especially for children.  As reported by CNN, “tween girls who spend the most time multitasking between various digital devices, communicating online or watching video are the least likely to develop normal social tendencies.  The study found that “real” or “offline” face-to-face time, when children are engaged and able to make real eye contact was critical for normal social and emotional development among young girls. 

The study suggests that we need to make it a priority to spend quality, offline time with our kids to help them learn social norms.  We can’t leave it up to TV, applications or websites to teach our kids how to interact.  Additionally, as parents, we need to set a strong example and be honest with ourselves about the “quality” time we spend with our kids.  Are we making eye contact?  Are we unplugging long enough to have real conversations with our children without the distraction of our smart phones?  Are we showing them that they are more important and more interesting to us than some reality TV show or website that’s sucked us in?  It’s time we plug into less so we can accomplish more with our kids.

I get a lot of emails...

A couple of weeks ago, I received one in particular from an old college peer of mine. The backdrop is that he's a Christian, an author (on relationships) and in a relationship with someone that he believes he will marry someday (it will be his second time). Here is an excerpt of what the email said:

"Take a little advice from me...at this point, make sure to continue to wait. It's so not worth it. On top of all of that, it was not good...not because I didn't somewhat enjoy it, but as you well know, sex is a full body experience. Your heart, mind and soul really needs to be into it to make it the way it's supposed to be. If your heart is convicted that it's wrong, your heart isn't into it. Therefore, your mind wants to go along but doesn't completely go along, so it's there, but it's going through the motions, not giving it 100%. Your flesh is always willing, but it's not driven, so it's half-stepping at best. From what my friends have told me, even if you're a player, you're still totally wrapped up 'in the moment' until the moment is over. None of that was happening for me...or her, really. Don't do it...not only is it not following God's best for you, it's also a waste of time."

What I *really liked* about it is that even though I know that he knows that the Bible says that sex outside of marriage is wrong (I Corinthians 6, I Corinthians 7:2, I Thessalonians 4:3, Hebrews 13:4), not one Scripture or church reference was given. He spoke solely from the experience itself. How sex outside of a marital covenant made him feel.

And as you can see, for the most part...it wasn't good. His heart, mind and soul were not fully into it.

And so that got me to thinking. What if there were no Scriptures on lust? What if pastors didn't preach on sexual immorality? What if sites like these didn't exist? Would you still find porn to be wrong for your life or is it that you feel that way simply because people have told you to? 'Cause here's the thing. There are *plenty* of non-believers (some that I know personally) that find porn to be just as disgusting, just as degrading, just as selfish and self-loathing as many Christians do and it's not because they believe in God. The truth is, they actually don't (or at least don't incorporate his standards into their daily way of life). They don't like how porn treats women. They don't like how porn *infects* their relationships. The list goes on and on. And in knowing this, personally, I think if we explored how people felt *outside of religion*, we may actually be able to make more headway into healing people of porn and sexual addiction. Yes, the Word says not to lust (which is basically the greatest "argument" for why porn is not biblically condoned), but what do *you* say? How does it make *you* feel? How does it affect *your* life outside of the guilt you may feel because of the Church's stance on it? If the Lord was mute on the topic:

"Why do YOU believe that porn is wrong?"

In the 80’s there was a anti-drug commercial that said “This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs. Any questions?”   I’m going to kick it up a notch. “This is your brain, this is your brain on porn”. Our minds are amazing creations. They are a rolodex of memories and knowledge. The problem is we take better care of our MACs/PCs than we do with “natures computer”. We will download software to keep viruses, pop-ups, intruders and various other potentially fatal hazards off our device. So why do we corrupt our minds with porn?

The qualities of Internet porn affect the brain in unique ways. In addition to constant stimulation, there's no inherent limit to consumption, unlike eating or drugs. Escalation is always possible because the brain's natural satiation mechanisms don't kick in unless one climaxes, which may not be for hours. Even then, users can click to something more shocking to become aroused again. Nor will Internet porn eventually activate the brain's natural aversion system ("I can't tolerate another bite/drink/snort!"). Who can't bear to look at another erotic image? Check out what this guy has to say …..

"Porn binges for 4-6 hours the last couple days. On the plus side, it did become obvious that  transexual porn is unrelated to my sexuality. After watching for 30+ hours over the past 5 days , transexual porn started to become boring! I began searching for other, more disgusting and shocking stuff."

Porn, and the way it is delivered to our brains, has changed. Internet porn exploits more than just sexual desire. It drives users beyond their natural libido: Users can watch porn in multiple windows, search endlessly, fast-forward to the bits they find hottest, switch to live sex chat, fire up their mirror neurons with video action or cam-2-cam, or escalate to extreme genres. It's easy to access, available within seconds, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and can be viewed on phones at any age.

There's a difference between today's online porn and that of just a couple decades ago. Now, you can go to a variety of websites and find more free porn than you could watch if you quit your job and dedicated your life to it, all in living color. You can even pick your favorite fetish, whatever you find the most intense, and just watch video after video of it. If the intensity wanes for a few seconds, or you get bored with watching the same bodies for two minutes straight, you can jump to a new set doing new things. It has the potential to be far more destructive to your appreciation for the real thing than ever before.

Porn ultimately distorts our views of women, relationships, sex and a healthy lifestyle. The proof is in what the trends are. One of the top pornographic searches is for cuckold which mainly consists of a tattooed biker on a ratty sofa or a well-built, well-endowed black man having sex with a white woman while the woman’s husband watches. But why would a straight man get turned on by watching a masculine man have sex with his wife? What makes a man’s sexual desire overcome his sexual jealousy? Numbness! Porn as silently told his brain that loving and  intimate sex with his wife is no longer enough. I t has slowly rewired what turns him on. When that gets old he will be rewired again to something a little more risky and potentially illegal.

I have seen porn destroy many men. It has taken them from Playboy to prison all in the matter of a few years. Why? Because porn numbed them to the point of loosing all ability to make rational decisions when it comes to sex.  Don’t allow porn to take you places you never thought you would go. Help is just a few clicks away.

Steve-Oh

LoveJesus.LovePeople

1. You are adamant that it is not your issue

2. Your eyes scan every woman who walks into the room

3. You unexpectedly go silent

4. You find yourself searching for sexual partners online just for research

5. You go out of your way to drive by strip clubs

6. You call escorts to ask questions without making a commitment

7. You erase your temporary Internet history daily

8. You only search the web after clicking on the “start private browsing” tab

9. You masturbate every day or every other day

10. Whenever you are alone you look at porn

11. You schedule your day around when you will view porn

12. You work overtime at work to make up for time looking at porn

13. You have secrets

14. Your idea of telling the truth is not getting caught lying

15. You can’t have an orgasm with a real person

16. You think strangers notice you and “want” you

17. You stare through your neighbor’s windows

18. You sleep with prostitutes

19. You spend money you don’t have to satisfy the urge

20. You know your actions will destroy your life yet still choose to engage

21. You tell half-truths

22. If you have had multiple sexual affairs

23. If you go the gym and workout your eyes instead of your muscles

24. If you have hidden porn

25. If you talk dirty with strangers

26. If you have relationships (sexual or non) that your spouse is not aware exist

27. If you stay up late surfing channels for a glimpse of skin

28. If you subscribe to a men’s magazine

29. If you undress women with your eyes as a regular practice

30. If you buy condoms even though you are single and don’t have a sexual partner

We just released a brand new episode of X3's Company #12. We keep talk about DATING. The last episode #11 was part 1 of Dating and this episode we finish the conversation.

X3's Company is a podcast from XXXchurch.com. We take your questions and try and give you some helpful answers. We only are doing #13 episodes of this podcast so only two more left after this.

X3's Company - All available on same iTunes feed. Also available in iTunes audio only and you can check out Podcast page.  

So, earlier today...

I was reading an article on Salon.com entitled, "The Joy of Judgmental Christian Sex". Yeah. I know, right? HERE. WE. GO. AGAIN.

It was talking about two relatively new books, one that I actually think I've referenced in one of these blogs before: "Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy with Your Spouse". Anyway, as I'm sure you can tell from the title of piece, it wasn't singing the praises of sexual purity and physical intimacy's true purpose. And, of course, being what the (main) focus of this website/ministry is about, I'm sure you can understand why this particular portion caught my attention:

Enemy No. 1 of both of these books is pornography. “Sexperiment” spills pages of ink on the subject, but the message throughout is consistent and unwavering: “A husband and wife who see sex and marriage as God sees it also see the math of marriage as 1+1=1. There is no room there for a third party. Pornography is a third party.” “Real Marriage” is similarly one-note: “The purpose of pornography is clearly lust. And throughout both the Old and New Testaments, God repeatedly condemns – as a grievous evil – lust for anyone but your spouse.” But the Driscolls go so far as to compare hardcore pornography to the “Twilight” series:

In the lust category, along with sexual nudity and pornography, we also include women’s romance novels. They commonly entice sinful lust and cause women to fantasize about sexual sin with all the alluring power of visual pornography for men. This kind of sinful lustful fantasizing extends to such things as the Twilight phenomenon, where older women, many of them mothers, openly fantasize about sexual desires they had for the young actors in the film.They also lump in women’s magazines like Cosmo, which “fills its covers with pornographic article headlines shouting to the world that lust is a good thing.” They suggest that “lusting eyes” start with a sexy magazine and move on “to orgies, voyeurism, exhibitionism, pedophilia, and wherever else a crooked human heart can venture.” (You heard it here first: Cosmo causes pedophilia?) They also deliver this gem: “Sure, the naked people you like looking at are hot … but so is hell.” However, my hands-down favorite line from the Driscolls on the subject of porn is: “Clearly, while not everyone who looks at porn will end up doing such evil things as Ted Bundy, they will do evil things even if less intently or frequently.” Way to be generous, guys!

Oh...I guess I should go back a few paragraphs to provide some insight on the writer of this piece just to give a foundation to her perspective:

Now, I may not be the most impartial judge — I’m an arrogant, unrepentant atheist and fornicator, after all — but throw my sex reporting credentials in the mix and I am specially poised to sniff out the most anachronistic and bigoted sexual beliefs espoused in these books.

Arrogant. An unrepentant athiest. And a fornicator. Yeah. I'm sure she would just *love* what we talk about on here (LOL). And yet, what I was really processing as I was reading how, from her perspective, *ridiculous* (my word not hers) those authors and their views are, honestly, it didn't cross my mind to challenge how "crazy" she may be; yet, it did cause me to wonder, "Now, she made the time to read these books and as someone who used to be a music critic, I am more than aware that even the things that you detest, they still have a way of staying with you. Therefore, some things in those books...resonated. Therefore, when it comes to seeing sex differently, the "door" has been opened, even if it was with the "key" of a byline and a paycheck (as a writer, I *hope* she got a paycheck!). Now how can we walk into it to give her even more to think about?" So that perhaps she will consider transitioning from sarcasm to actually taking the topic seriously?

Cause here's the thing: By her saying that she's doesn't believe in God, being that many of us that come to this site do, it's pretty much the equivalent of a person fluent in Spanish trying to enjoy a conversation with someone who only speaks Japanese: yes, we are coming from two vastly different places. And it's really challenging to relate to one another because of it. HOWEVER, when Christ was on the earth, he spoke *Hebrew* AND *Aramaic*. He was able to reach the Pharisees AND the demon-possessed (although sometimes I do wonder if they were one in the same---whole 'nother message!). He spoke Scripture and in parables (Matthew 13:13). HE REACHED EVERYONE.

*And as disciples, that is what we are commissioned to do as well*.

Yeah. It was probably easier for her to tear those books apart than actually look for the good in them (the fact that people seem to be so relentless about being against covenant continues to intrigue me). And yet, isn't it often just as preferable for us to turn around and tear her to shreds for her views rather than thinking, "OK, those books are not what's going to work. What else can we do?" To reach her. To expand her perspective. Her beliefs.

Because if we're the light of the world (Matthew 5:14), how can we spread that light if we're always shutting those in the dark...out?

You know, someone once said, "Those who can't, judge." Hmph. Let the world tell it (and some believers too), some of the most judgmental people *are* Christians (makes me think of that YouTube entitled, "Why I Hate Religion but Love Jesus" that everyone blasting out). Is it that a lot of us are so much *not* like Christ that we'd rather spend our time (and resources and energy) pushing non-believers away rather than looking for ways to reel them in? Is it because we are too prideful to admit that we are doing a really poor job of reaching (other) sinners like Christ did: compassionately, consistently...*effectively*?

Hey. I'm just putting it out there. After all, something I said that I was going to do this year was be more *solutions-oriented* and darkness is a *real problem*. Anyway, it's just something to think about from a broader perspective than, "She's an athiest. *Of course*, she would be that way."

If she's a non-believer, whether that's in God or sexual purity or marital covenant, yes, her (current) resolve makes a lot of sense.

Yet, what do we have to be so cynical about? I bet someone can get her to reconsider her stance. If they really wanted to.

After all...

Faith moves mountains (Matthew 17:20). Hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5). All things are possible to them that believe (Mark 9:23).

Even in the power of transitioning an arrogant, atheist fornicator into...something else. Something better.

So much more.

Like with most addictions, you get to a point where you feel like you can’t stop and you have no control. What you once enjoyed doing here and there for “fun” has now become your life—consuming you and taking control of everything you do.  What you once did for fun has now become your prison.  You feel as though you have no choice but to be consumed by what has become your addiction; and the high that you once got from that video or picture no longer satisfies, because you’ve “already seen it.”  You want something new, something “crazier” than you have seen before.

Yeah, I’ve been here… and I’m guessing maybe you have too?

Though I pray that you haven’t, because it’s an awful place to be – I know.

There is a point where, if you were forced to be honest and face your true feelings instead of stuffing them, you would beg for an escape.

However, you feel as if there is no longer a way out, so you continue on your normal path: acting like you’re okay with everything and doing it because you “want to.”

The truth is: you don’t know how to stop and you feel out of control.

I was there not too long ago, depressed because life was a mess and the chapter of my high school career was closing. My sexual addiction became worse than ever before and took over my life. I wanted to stop and I tried really hard, but I couldn’t. My parents were pressuring me to get a job for the summer and I tried, but work was hard to find and I waited too long to apply. I already felt depressed, like I wasn’t good enough, college was a long three months off and I missed my high school family.  I felt alone.  I had tons of time on my hands since I was just sitting at home—and probably as most of you know…

 Extra time + being alone x being depressed = trouble.

Naturally, we turn to what brings us pleasure for a release or escape from the world we are forced to face. Granted, my addiction didn’t get worse right away, but it never does. It’s a slow fade, one that starts out “just for fun,” then it’s a habit, then a routine… BAM! You’re hooked! Welcome to theLandofAddiction.

By mid-summer I was a complete mess. I didn’t know what to do! I felt completely helpless. I decided to just “embrace” my addiction and still somehow try to keep my relationship with God. I knew that Christ was the way to freedom, but I had no clue how to get to that point. Even when I would try my hardest to stop, even putting up safe guards, I usually found myself breaking through it all to fall once again. What advice I did hear, kept saying, “Read your Bible, memorize verses, pray more…” Yeah, it didn’t help. I just felt worse. 

I’m this “sweet, quiet, innocent, Christian girl” to everyone, but behind closed doors I wasn’t as innocent or as “Christian” as so many people believed. I prayed, “Lord! Help me! I can’t stop! Take this from me!” 

I heard about the Apostle Paul and how he had a thorn in his flesh (which many guess was poor eye sight), but it was something that He prayed many times for God to take away from him; but God didn’t, because He was using Paul’s weakness to work though Him and to proclaim His glory.  So I finally came to terms with the fact that this was probably my “thorn in the flesh” and God wasn’t going to take it away from me, but He was going to use it … somehow.

I have heard other peoples testimonies telling of how when they came to Christ they lost all taste for their addictions and were healed that day. But I was already following Him -- The best I could. I had prayed for years for Christ to take my sexual addiction away... even my free will, in hopes for escape. Everyone is different, so of course He would have different passions and purposes for our lives.

 I finally came to a conclusion that Christ probably wasn’t just going to do any miraculous healing in my life, that He was going to let me depend on Him instead, look to Him for answers and He was going to use it in some special way to bring glory to His kingdom. So I quit asking for Him to take my struggle from me; instead, I prayed for help, knowledge and strength. 

Then one day, I came across this broadcast from Focus on the Family called Pornography: Not Just a Men's Issue. This was the first time I had heard of anybody talking of women struggling with pornography and sexual addiction! They had good advice, and they understood what I was going through--it was as if I had told them! Not only did they understand, but they also gave ACTUAL advice to combat all the bad advice I had gotten. I cried. I was at a complete loss since I knew deep down that I had to find a way to beat my addiction before I got to college. I finally found a glimmer of hope.

Then a few months later, through a Facebook post I found XXXChurch. Yeah, I knew that I had found the exact place I had been praying for! Praise the LORD!

I’m still figuring it out for myself, but I do know for a fact –

That surrendering FULLY to Christ is key.

I figured out in the long run that none of these half-hearted surrenders, half-hearted repenting or any of the other games I’ve tended to play do anything but waste time. To tell you the truth, you’re not making any real difference because we for sure are not fooling God! He is the only one who knows our heart, and just like Adam and Eve in the garden, we can’t hide from Him… or even try and trick Him. 

 As I look back at all the things I see, it wasn’t me, but Christ working in my life to bring me to the place I needed to be in order for Him to work in my life. But I do know that you cannot fight this alone. With months of counseling, opening up to different people, years of unsteady perseverance, and repetitive surrender to God with the idea that I would not be “healed” from this… somehow, ONLY by God’s grace I found my way to healing.  Though I wasn’t led down the most “typical” road, it was still a hard road. But one of the first and most important steps is to speak out.

Break the silence. Break the chains.