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For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version. (author unknown)
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history...
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
Have a great day!
*Don's personal note- I do not agree with all assertions made above!
For instance-
1) The author claims liberals like imported beer with a lime but fails to mention that most good beer comes from Europe (German, Irish, Belgium etc.) where the conservative man came from to flee the tyranny of liberals. Domestic beer (unless microbrewed by a fine conservative brewery) is an evil plot by liberal man to water down beer (because it makes the liberal gag to drink real beer).
2) Even in the most heinous political movements and religions there are glimpses of truth. Although this conservative man loves rare red meat, he has also found a fondness to Sushi (which conservative man often call bait). While I enjoy dark German or Irish beer, I have come to appreciate the imported Mexican beer that is served with a lime.
3) On the conservative side there is also error no matter how much more closer to truth he is than liberal man. As a conservative I cannot support domestic beer unless again it comes from a fine microbrewery. It is foolishness to support all things American for the sake of it being American. We must insist that we out produce any product the rest of the world offers by making it better and more desirable. The past 15 years has seen conservative man once again produce fine beer here in America to give answer to the American breweries that have been infiltrated by liberal man and his devious plots.
4) I reject the idea of evolution since I believe that God created man so I cannot accept that liberals evolved into woman (though I accept the idea that they did provide the environment for men to become girlie-men).
5) I must also point that in my studies I have found no Hebrew word for beer and so it might be possible that all words for "wine" in the Bible could actually be "beer" (since God is the giver of all good gifts). On the other hand, the Bible says do not be drunk with wine (which is not good believe me) but never mentions beer again leading me to believe that the God who gives good gifts is also the giver of good beer. This might also explain the corruption of beer through liberal man who as we all know is in league with the devil who cannot create but always imitates. Pale, watered down American beer that tastes like the good beer that I have pissed out might be the evil one's attempt at corrupting God's good gift to man. I have noticed that when I watch COPS or see news stories that involve drunk driving or anything else that man does when he is drunk usually shows images of Budweiser, Busch, Old Milwaukee, Black Label or other various bad beers. You will rarely see someone misbehaving after drinking a fine imported beer or microbrewed beer.
Over all I like the condensed history lesson, but we need more scholarly people to address this subject further.
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