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Unlike John Morton, assistant secretary of Homeland Security for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), Patrick of ICE announced at a meeting today he would fully love to process llegal immigrants referred to them by Arizona.
"I'll bop them on the head like baby seals and drag them off like cavemen (sorry Geico!)," Patrick said.
The confusion began when busloads of illegal immigrants began arriving at ICE headquarters, a case of mistaken identity. Unsure of what to do, ICE's top official, Patrick, referred to prior decisions of the US Supreme Court, which regularly defers to international opinion.
"So I looked at Mexican law, specifically Mexico's Ley General de Población (General Law of the Population). Illegal immigration in Mexico is a felony. In practice, people caught by the police are beaten, robbed, raped, and sometimes even killed," Patrick said. "So I figured, since they're Mexicans we might as well treat them like how they treat their own illegal immigrants."
Patrick was last seen organizing a hunt chasing after groups of illegal aliens, while wildly screaming, "Pinata! Pinata!"
-- ICE News
(For the truly dense: this is a parody based upon the coincidence of the naming of ICE. I don't support violence against illegal immigrants and I'm actually for a more balanced approach than many Republicans, using a combination of enforcing existing law (aka deporting) and specific cases of amnesty (for example, if a family has been living here for years in good standing while also paying taxes).)
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